Back Home To Rome

Very Cool Video

2008-03-26T10:24:00.002-05:00

here is a short video about the Catholic Church in Illinois. It was produced for and shown at the Illinois Catholic Prayer Breakfast earlier this month.

I attended the Prayer Breakfast and was quite impressed. It is wonderful to go to events like that where one can experience the larger Church beyond your own parish boundaries. It can be so easy sometimes to be so involved in your local Church that I forget the larger community of Catholics throughout the city, region, state, country and world.

Ridiculous plan of the day

2007-10-17T16:12:00.000-05:00

Every once in a while I like to make some completely ridiculous plans.

For example, if I were to decide tomorrow to take a cruise to Antarctica, an African safari, or go backpacking through India... I have every detail planned. Obviously, I like to travel and so most of my daydreams run in that direction.

However, in the view of Daniel's contribution to the Village of Volo's tourism efforts I have decided to expend my daydreaming time on something that will involve traveling much closer to home.

Around the turn of the last century my great grandparents purchased some land on Long Lake in northern Illinois. At the time there was evidently a bit of a 'get back to nature' movement of some sort. So in order to escape the city they would go stay in their "Tent Cottage". As far as I can ascertain it was a sort of multi room platform tent. They would live in it for weekends and some weeks in the summer, and then take it down and store it in a local farmers barn for the winter.

I have always kind of loved that story and figured that my great grandmother must have been a real trouper to be willing to go 'rough it' while wearing Edwardian clothes and chasing children in perfect white pinafores (I would not be interested). My grandmother had wonderful stories of playing in what, at the time, was pretty much the back of beyond and truly 'wild' for a family from Chicago.

Sadly, at some point in the 20s the farmers barn burned (with the tent house inside) and the family stopped going to Long Lake. A normal family would sell the land... but not my pack rat relatives.

Instead we just hang on to the land paying property taxes, doing basic maintenance (and by that I mean paying a tree service to remove a tree about to crush a neighbors house), driving by once a year to make sure the land is still there, and fielding the occasional call from a neighbor wanting to buy the land. In fact, I think the title might still be in my grandmother's name (and she died in the 1960s).

Most family discussions of the land are about how we 'really should do something about that'. And then nothing until the next property tax bill comes due. For all the unformed idea of putting a little cottage there, or selling it to the neighbors... nothing ever happens because being that it's an hour away - 'out of sight, out of mind' is very strong.

However now with Daniel pointing out all the wonders of the Volo area I am reminded that our land on Long Lake is just 10 minutes away from a bog, the Batmobile, and the Tridentine Mass!

Clearly this is a sign that I should do something with the land. Perhaps actually get around to building a little weekend cottage. I could head up for weekends and check out the bog, the Batmobile and head over to St. Peter's for a high quality Mass.

I am pretty much 100% certain that as far as the rest of the family is concerned I can do whatever I want with the land... so the question is - what should I build?

In a perfect world I would be able to build something along the lines of the Mies van der Rohe designed Farnsworth House.

Sadly, I am neither made of money nor do I live a 'Architectural digest' level lifestyle. So Mies van der Rohe is out.

I need something more along the lines of a cottage that I can furnish with hand me downs, and finds from Goodwill. I think a cottage should be in part 'where furniture goes to die' (as my sister describes her place in the UP). Something comfortable where my friends and their kids will be welcome to come and not have to worry about breaking things. Ideally I want something small and fairly cheap to build.

Along those lines I found some plans for 'Katrina Cottages'. They were originally designed to be built as emergency housing following a disaster like hurricane Katrina. Small, well designed and fairly easy to build they seem perfect as a second home. While I can't go back in time and convince my ancestors to buy a Sears kit house (which I would prefer) this seems like a fairly good modern alternative.

Evidently, one can purchase the plans and all supplies as a kit from Lowes. I have been mighty tempted by KC 697.

Now of course, the chances of this ever happening are slim to none. However, the more I think about the bog, the Batmobile and Tridentine Mass... the less ridiculous the plan seems.

Bizarre. Just bizarre.

2007-10-04T12:14:00.000-05:00

I will admit that I love Fellini films. It goes back to when I was studying Italian, and they were the easiest Italian films to find. I would pop in a tape of La Dolce Vita and prep for my exams while trying to get myself in the proper Italian frame of mind.

Looking back, it's no wonder I never did very well in my Italian exams.

The thing is... his films are insane. Seriously, crazy. I like them, and think that they are fantastic in lots of ways, but they are fantastic the like the the insane cat pictures of Louis Wain to the left.

I just tripped across the clip below from Fellini's 1972 film Roma. I have to admit that though it is still bizarre, I still love it.

It's particularly interesting to think that this was created in 1972. It would have amazed Fellini in 1972 to think that a Catholic like myself (born in the early 70s) really wouldn't 'get' the satire of this piece because we were never exposed to any of the traditional Catholic pageantry that is being shown (and satirized) here.

I am sure that even Fellini could not have imagined a Catholic Church like the one I grew up in... Where the nuns wear polyester pantsuits, the priests rarely wear their collars, and the altar girls wear only an alb and surely have never carried a thurible (it was all bowls of incense all the time).

Fellini's Catholic Church Fashion Show is sort of fascinating as a window into the bizarreness of another time, but even more interesting as evidence that what the Catholic Church really did was beyond even the most bizarre imaginings of Catholics of the 60s.

St. Mary of the velvet log cabin

2007-09-20T01:44:00.000-05:00

For me the best part of traveling is the unexpected surprises that one runs across.

On a recent trip I decided to check out a city's Catholic Cathedral to say a few prayers and take a look around. Boy, was there ever a surprise for me there.

To the left is a picture of the giant velvet painting/banner that was hanging in the cathedral.

As a child of a thoroughly post Vatican II parish I would have bet that I had seen every variation of banner that was out there.

In my experience they were primarily felt, burlap or yarn based. How could I have never considered what could be done with a bolt of velvet!

The last religious velvet painting I saw was Elvis and Jesus (Elvis had a halo, Jesus did not). This painting of Mary and a log cabin is my new very favorite liturgical velvet painting... based on the surprise factor alone. I am now hoping that I never - EVER see another velvet painting in a church... this should be a one off (PLEASE let it be a one off).

As an added bonus... this make me feel much, much better about our own Cathedral here in Chicago. At least it is velvet painting free!

Lessons learned on the Feast of the Assumption

2007-08-16T20:13:00.000-05:00

Last night the lure of Palestrina (I love Palestrina) brought me to an un-air conditioned parish for Mass the Feast of the Assumption. Unexpectedly, I learned a few valuable life lessons.

1. If you are headed to Mass at 7:30 pm don't think that just eating salad and yogurt at 11:30 am is a good plan. That might make you susceptible to passing out. (Yes, as an adult I should have known this already)

2. Drink lots and lots of water before headed into Mass in a church with no air conditioning. That could stop you from passing out, or at least decrease the possibility. (Yes, another thing that adults should know)

3. If you have a habit of leaning your head on the grille during confession... that can work out to your advantage if you black out during confession.

Here is the story - In the middle of reciting my act of contrition I blacked out. Full tunnel vision, tingling extremities blackout - bad times. It was just for a couple seconds because I came to as the priest (who likely assumed I had just forgotten the Act of Contrition) was trying to jog my memory by reciting the next couple of lines for me.

I quite honestly think that the only reason I actually woke up was the fact that I had not yet received absolution... and I was NOT going to go to confession and then pass out before absolution. That would be double bad times.

I then headed back to the pews and learned a few more lessons...

4. If you have just blacked out in the confessional - go get some water and then sit in front of a fan and pray that you won't become "That woman who passed out on the Feast of the Assumption". Pray really, really hard.

5. When choosing your seat near a fan... try NOT to sit in a place where someone wearing Drakkar Noir is between you and the fan. Somehow, that 80s scent will rob the fan breeze of it's refreshing character.

6. Do NOT think to yourself 'it can't possibly get worse', because then the next turn of the fan will bring the scent of Drakkar Noir combined with incense. Trust me on this one... no matter how much you may like the smell of either one (I love the smell of incense) it is not a good combination.

7. Sometimes, even though the music is really, really tempting (Palestrina!) and going to confession would be a good idea... attending the local St. suburbia (with air conditioning) can be a better choice. Hard to imagine - but true.

8. The REAL lesson of the evening was this... If things are unexpectedly going badly - even if you never, ever pray to Mary for intercession - give it a try. I can testify that Mary really came through for me last night.

After blacking out again briefly in the pew, I realized that if I didn't get it together I was in real trouble. I had to be certain that I wouldn't black out behind the wheel while driving home on the expressway. This was a double problem because if I was unable to drive there is no plan B to get home. That realization is what led me to turn to Mary and ask for her intercession... something I never do (pray to Mary, or for myself)

After Mass I walked around a bit, got some fresh air and then sat down and listened to Compline (beautiful). Finally I said a few Hail Mary's praying I would feel better soon. To my great surprise... it worked. I was able to drive home safely, and about 30 minutes after getting safely home the migraine which had clearly been brewing hit with a vengeance. Now, after 18 hours of sleep I feel fine... but mostly I feel thankful to Mary for helping me get home safely.

Perhaps what I learned yesterday wasn't in the homily... but trusting in Mary is a lesson that I clearly need to work on learning - and the Feast of the Assumption seems as good a time as any to learn to turn to Mary.

Catholic Guilt

2007-07-10T02:58:00.000-05:00

People talk all the time about 'Catholic guilt'. I have even joked about it myself. But honestly, I just don't feel much Catholic guilt. After all, I was raised in the 'I'm ok, you're ok' spirit o'Vatican II Catholic Church. A 'post guilt' Catholicism as it were.

Last night as I was going through some family papers and found an echo of the old Catholic guilt machine in a church bulletin from 1957. The bulletin was saved because it includes the banns before my parent's wedding. However, what I really found fascinating was the window into the average 1950s parish on an average week.

The absolute best entry was this:

We wonder why forty public High School students have consistently missed the Religious Instruction Classes on Tuesday evening from 7:00 to 8:00 P.M. Their inconvenience in attending the classes could not be so much greater than that of the 110 faithful students each week. It is difficult to see how those students of their parents can lightly cast aside so serious an obligation of religious required by the laws of the Church. Can a detailed course of religion mean so little to them?

I can't imagine any parish including something like this today. It could be an interesting experiement to try... but I don't think the results would be pretty.

The first problem with an entry like that in a modern bulletin is that religious instruction for public school students in this diocese ends in 8th grade. The standard seems to be one hour a week during the school year until confirmation in 8th grade... and that's it. No further religious education offered - let alone encouraged. I wonder when it was decided that at age 13 we knew all we needed about Catholicism and were free to go.

Secondly, in my lifetime I have never seen any reference to the laws of the Church in a bulletin - let alone our obligation to follow them. Well, perhaps there have been references in the bulletin at St. John Cantius, but that's a special case. I am talking about the standard parish bulletin in a standard suburban parish. Try as I might, the only obligations I can recall being raised are to the building fund, and to volunteer with the local 'peace n' justice' organizations.

Finally, I am most impressed by the straight up 'calling out' of both students and parents for failing to attend religious education classes. I just don't think it would work in many parishes today. We are all too steeped in the post Vatican II world where nothing is really required of us by the Church. If a priest actually pointed out that we were failing in our obligations the Church the negative reaction would be swift.

I will admit that I often look back at the solidly Catholic world that my parents were raised in and I am nostalgic for something I never experienced (I was born in the 70s). However, I have to admit I am only nostalgic for half of that experience. I would have liked the religious education classes that lasted through high school... but I don't know if the Catholic guilt would suit me all that well.

I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords.

2007-06-07T14:40:00.000-05:00

The cicadas are here, the cicadas are here! Brood XIII of the 17 year cicadas are here in full force - and volume.

I live just outside of the city in a town filled with parks filled with old trees. Right now it is a town filled with trees that are filled with cicadas (roughly 1.5 million per acre).

The cicadas aren't really that bothersome. They are big, and they really don't fly well (so my hair will be up for the 1st half of the summer) but they don't bite, and they don't even really hurt the trees. The biggest problem is that they are very, very loud.

Cicadas are the loudest insect in the world with a call that can reach 90 decibels. Right now the cicadas are in the trees 'singing' and the result is waves and waves of sound that are inescapable. Even with the windows closed and radio on I can still hear them.

I have to admit that I was kind of looking forward to the return of the cicadas. It is bizarrely 'special' feature to living here in the Midwest. However, now that they are here sometimes I just want to yell out the window - Shut up!

D +2,310

2007-06-06T16:24:00.000-05:00

I am a bit of a WWII history buff.

Actually, truth be told - I am a total WWII history dork. For example, I participate in WWII reenacting events and am building a collection of WWII items (generally USO related).

In many ways my interest in WWII, reenacting and swing dancing more or less led me to interest in the Tridentine Mass. My interests in both the Catholic Church and WWII grew at the same time it was inevitable that they would intersect. Crazy but true... evidently the Holy Spirit uses just about anything to get wandering Catholics back into the fold.

In particular, as I read biographies about those who fought in WWII I was struck by how important their faith was to them... in a way that I had never encountered in person.

I am certain a portion of that was surely of the 'there's no atheists in foxholes' variety of faith. Yet I am deeply impressed with the importance put on the sacraments by those who were in the midst of hell. Sometimes faith in God and prayer was all that they had to keep them going forward in impossible circumstances. For those on the homefront as well - often uncertainty about the fate of loved ones in harms way was only alleviated through prayer.

In particular the stories of the bravery and self sacrifice of chaplains at the battlefront are stunning. For example - Father Francis L. Sampson parachuted into Normandy on D-Day in 1944 with the 101st Airborne Division. He went behind enemy lines without a gun in order to ensure that the men who he jumped with would have access to the sacraments. He traveled with them throughout the war - even including time as a POW (where he requested that he be imprisoned with the enlisted rather than the officers).

If anyone is ever interested in true stories of heroic self sacrifice by Catholic Chaplains in WWII I would highly recommend the book Battlefield Chaplains: Catholic Priests in World War II.

Today the Catholic chaplaincy in the military is dreadfully undermanned... one way we can support Catholic men and women in the armed forces is to make a donation to Catholicmil.org, an organization that works to make sure that the Catholic members of the military get the spiritual support they need. In particular, through the distribution of literature such as Fulton Sheen's Wartime Prayerbook.

By Request...

2007-06-05T00:28:00.000-05:00

In the comments to the last post Fr. V asked about general pictures of the rest of St. John Cantius. Here are a few that I recently downloaded from my camera.

On Easter Sunday after Mass I took a few minutes to head up to the choir lofts and take some pictures of the Church. Mostly, my intention was to take pictures to send to a friend who had taken over the responsibility of decorating her parish church for Easter. She wanted to see what was done in my parish... yeah, I should get around to sending these to her.

Heading into the choir loft there is this most excellent sign. I love it because it was what my HS Latin teacher would post on the board during exams. It's amazing how what was once tortuous becomes nostalgia fodder...

A view of the main Alter decorated for Easter. I have to say that the decorations were pretty much fantastic... I can't imagine how many flowers were used.

This is one of the reasons I stopped wearing hats to church... I missed being able to see the painting of the risen Christ in the apse and reading sanctus, sanctus, sanctus on the arch. Seriously - I really missed them.

The Mary Alter with an icon of Our Lady of Czestochowa (yes, it's historically a Polish parish). I will admit that I spend little to no time on this side of the Church... I am more of an epistle side kind of gal.

This is usually the St. Joseph Alter. However, for Easter it was transformed with a statue of the risen Christ and an empty tomb. Which is cool... but poor St. Joseph always gets covered up (that is where the creche is placed as well). I like St. Joseph so I always miss him when he is covered.

In some ways the best part of the church building at St. John Cantius is the sense of discovery that one can have. It is as though whenever you turn a corner, there is seemingly always a treasure to be found. In a dusty corner of the upper choir loft I saw these great statues and I just loved them. It's like some random angel is having a conversation with some random Saint.

Well, that's about all I have in photographs for now. I guess I should actually think of something to actually write and post on a regular basis. Lately all I have been doing is writing some great drafts... never quite getting around to publishing.

An Amazing Mass

2007-06-03T11:40:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was the Solemn Mass of Thanksgiving of Father Scott A. Haynes, SJC - it was absolutely amazing. Here are a few of the pictures I took of the Mass from a side choir loft.

Check out those vestments! According to Fr. K they are about 150 years old from France.

Fr. Scott looked like he had been doing this for years... he didn't miss a beat.

The consecration was as always amazing.

Communion...

After Mass there was a Rosary procession.

And then Benediction

Answered Prayers

2007-06-03T10:56:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I was privileged to be able to attend the Solemn Mass of Thanksgiving of
Father Scott A. Haynes, SJC. It was absolutely wonderful - Ma Beck put it best:

"Father Scott was tremendous. I mean, he was perfect. No sign of nerves, nothing. His Latin is impeccable, his voice is beautiful, I mean - he's perfect. It was like he'd been doing it all his life."

As an added bonus I was able to go up into the one of the side choir lofts and take pictures of the Mass. It's a fantastic view from there, and even though I am not particularly pleased with my photographs (no tripod, one lens and never having taken pictures from there, or of this event before...) it was a wonderful experience. I will be posting pictures later.

Usually when I am photographing a Mass I don't take communion. Generally, I feel that the camera causes me to be an observer instead of a participant. However, yesterday I felt prompted to go to communion and pray for a friend - Kathy.

Kathy has been on the waiting list for a donor liver for seven years. However, in the last months her condition has worsened and she was bumped up the list. Yesterday at Mass I went to communion and offered the graces I would have received from communion for Kathy's health.

After Mass as I was driving home I received a call from my sister. At 12:15 Kathy received the call - she would receive a liver transplant that evening. When I told my sister that I had been praying for Kathy at Fr. Scott's Mass... my sister announced that Fr. Scott is her new favorite priest.

Last evening Kathy received her new liver, as of this morning she and her new liver are doing great. We are all still praying for her continued health as well as for the donor and his family. Perhaps the hardest part of knowing someone who receives a transplant such as this is the realization that our happiness at Kathy's health comes through the tragedy of another's sudden death.

You know you are Catholic when...

2007-04-20T22:33:00.000-05:00

This evening I had a friend in the car when going through the drive through at the bank. I had one of those ridiculous little 'I'm Catholic' moments of life.

Of course I hadn't filled out my deposit slip before going to the drive through (that would make to much sense) so I had to dig through my purse hunting for a pen. I have seemingly dozens in there, but can never find them. So the process usually goes like this... I reach into the bottom of my purse and pull out a pencil, a hair stick, a spoon, another pencil and then (if I am lucky) a pen. It's kind of a game to see how much I pull out before getting what I actually want.

This evening there was an extra feature to the game - I pulled out a candle from Easter Vigil. I have no recollection of shoving it in my purse, but the candle must be from one of the Easter Vigil Masses I attended. The friend in the car with me is more or less accustomed to the randomness of the contents of my purse, but this one threw her. She held up the candle and asked if I was carrying it around in order to be prepared for the destruction of the electric grid?

I responded 'Of course not, it's from Easter Vigil'. Stating that as though it was perfectly reasonable... because of course to me it was. My friend gave me a bit of a blank look and I took the opportunity to explain about the vigil - with the fire and candles and the renewal of baptismal vows. I don't know if any of that got through to her.

I am fairly sure that to my non-Christian friend the upshot of the story is that carrying candles around in my purse goes on the list of weird Catholic things I do. Right up there with the random holy cards that she always finds in books she borrows from me. It's nice to have friends around whom I can be exactly who I am (weirdly Catholic) with no pretension... candles in the purse and all.

Where is my castle?

2007-01-05T23:58:00.000-06:00

It seemed like fun so I went for a peculiar title.

I particularly like my title as some of my ancestors came from the Grand Duchy of Luxembourg (maybe they need a new grand duchess?) and I really need divine intervention on a regular basis.

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is:
Grand Duchess Mary Martha the Ceaseless of Divine Intervention
Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

Random segue of the day - Luxembourg is a cool country and one of my favorites.

Once, when there I went to the town my ancestors came from (Rippig or Rippeg - evidently it has multiple spellings). I missed the bus back to Luxembourg City and I had to walk back. You have to love a country that you can basically walk across in an afternoon.

Added bonus - the Cult of Our Lady of Luxembourg is cool.

Felt Banner Catholicism

2006-12-30T00:04:00.000-06:00

I am a cradle Catholic.

I was raised in a nominally Catholic home by two pre-Vatican II parents (they married in 1957).

You would think that fact combined with 10 years (high school, college, graduate school) in expensive Catholic schools would mean that I would have some sort of grasp of the Catholic Church.

Sadly – I don’t. Instead I have a kind of swiss cheese knowledge of Catholicism.

I was raised in was a parish where the DRE and Pastor really bought into Vatican II with some fairly terrible results. Sure, it was *named* St. Mary's Catholic Church. And sure, we were *told* that we were Catholic. But it's not like you could tell based on the catechism we received.

I was a public school kid who went to CCD. My parents just assumed that I was being taught the faith – because after all, they were CCD kids in their day (the 1940s) and they learned it. The key difference is – I was in CCD in the 80s. The age of ‘felt banner’ catechism.

For the last few days I have been making two mental lists – things I was taught in CCD, and things I never learned.

Things CCD taught me:

1. How to make a felt banner

2. Jesus loves me

3. Basic Bible stories (though I might have really learned those watching The Flying House and Superbook)

4. How to make burlap banners

5. The Our Father

6. We should all participate in Church

7. More Jesus loves me

8. More felt banners

9. Love your neighbor

10. Don’t sin

11. Even more felt banners

12. All about my name – every year we had to do a report on our name. Why? I have no idea. Maybe to make us feel a connection with the communion of Saints. It never worked with me, as I have an Old Testament name with ZERO associated Saints. Oh how jealous I was of my friends with a variety of cool Saint's stories to choose from.

Things CCD never taught me:

1. Any prayers beyond the Our Father. We were never taught the Hail Mary (I learned it in my 20s), the Act of Contrition (I still have to read that one in confession) or the Apostles Creed (which morphs into the Nicene Creed for me to this day)

2. The Parts of the Mass – actually there was never any explanation at all of what is happening in Mass

3. Church history of any kind

4. Devotions of any kind

5. What sin is - I guess they figured they didn't need to teach us about sin because they never taught us...

6. When or how to go to confession. We were taught that after 1st confession we didn’t have to go again. I *still* couldn’t tell you where to find the confessional in that church (and it is still my geographic parish).

7. How we can/should love and serve God

8. What transubstantiation is – or even that it occurs

9. Anything at all about purgatory or hell

10. The Rosary

11. Any sense of obligation to God or the Church

12. Anything at all about Mary or the Saints.

13. A million more details about Catholicism (Sacramentals, Adoration, Benediction, etc)

I am certain that my CCD teachers meant well - it was just the time I grew up in. All they had to teach out of were horrible workbooks that included little if any actual catechisis. The pastor and DRE of my parish had drunk deep from the cup of “sprit o’ Vatican II” and my generation’s religious training was sacrificed for their pet felt banner projects.

Of course, now that I am an adult it is my responsibility to learn all the things that I missed. I am doing my best to work on it step by step. However, it seems like as soon as I get my mind around one thing two more come up that I should know. As I play catch up learning about Catholicism my different friends have different reactions.

Friends who I grew up with joke that I am ‘born again Catholic’ or a ‘Convert’ because they have all pretty much left the Church (at best they are ChrEasters). I am choosing to take it as well meaning – but I know that they are actually quite confused about why I am actually working at being a Catholic. It doesn’t make a lot of sense to them because they never were challenged by the Church and can’t understand why I would seek out the challenge of learning how to be faithful to the magisterium of the Church.

Simultaneously, my very traditional Catholic friends have gone so far as to question my Catholicism because of my lack of knowledge about the Church. Sometimes I think it’s a shame that the parish we attend doesn’t have a ‘Jesus loves you felt banner’ component – because I would totally RULE at that.

Then I remember that I would really prefer the parish as it is. With Marian devotion that I don’t understand instead of the felt banners that I totally understand – and know are meaningless.

After all, I have had enough felt banner Catholicism to last a lifetime.

Meme Time

2006-12-26T23:02:00.000-06:00

If I am going to actually return to blogging I might as well come back with a meme.

I am going to take Ma Beck's tag of 'those who wish to be tagged' as an invitation.

1. Favorite devotion or prayer to Jesus. The Mass.

Definitely Mass.

I really love Mass - in almost all of it's forms. Which is why I don't think there is anything particularly strange in the fact that I attend two Masses every weekend (Novus Ordo and Tridentine).

Even my most conservative Catholic friends think that's a bit strange (though they might just think it's strange I go to Novus Ordo at all).

2. Favorite Marian devotion or prayer. I guess n/a isn't the proper response to this one.

Honestly though, in terms of Marian devotion - I've got nothin'.

I guess I would have to say the Hail Mary - in that it is the only Marian prayer I know and I do at least try to say it a couple of times a day.... but it's hardly a favorite.

3. Do you wear a scapular or medal? I very often wear a St. Benedict medal I got at Monte Cassino when I was a teenager. It is one of my most treasured possessions, because it always reminds me of when I returned to faith. Not necessarily Catholicism... but any kind of faith at all (which was a pretty big step forward for me).

I just bought a ton of medals and want to make a charm bracelet out of them. I think it will be Catholic kitschy cool.

As to scapulars - I have never owned one and really don't get what they are. Yes, I am the worst Catholic ever.

4. Do you have holy water in your home? No. It wouldn't even really cross my mind to have holy water in my home. Why would you?

Though there is a family tale of when I drank a bottle of holy water as a child. My mother said that unfortunately it didn't succeed in making me anything but a holy terror!

5. Do you "offer up" your sufferings? I think I should... does that count? When suffering I think 'I should offer this up' but then I realize I actually have no idea what that really means. So I just wallow in self pity (just kidding).

Honestly, I just generally don't have a whole lot of suffering in my life to offer up - I'm pretty blessed in that.

6. Do you observe First Fridays and First Saturdays? Again, I am the worst Catholic ever because I quite honestly don't even really know what this means.

It's on my list of things to learn about (right up there with scapulars) but I just haven't gotten to it yet.

7. Do you go to Eucharistic Adoration? How Frequently? Not really. I know I should, and I would like to. It just hasn't really happened for me. I have gone a couple times and it is amazing but I have to admit I just don't get to it as often as I wish I could and it is pretty much not on my radar.

Worst. Catholic. EVER.

8. Are you a Saturday evening Mass person or a Sunday morning Mass person? I am actually a Sunday 12:30 Tridentine person and a Sunday evening Novus Ordo person. I go to both of those pretty much every week.

I will go to Saturday evening Mass often when traveling or if I can't make the Sunday evening one, but my local parish Saturday evening Mass includes the choir of doom - so I avoid it if at all possible.

9. Do you say prayers at mealtime? When I remember, which is more and more often.

When eating with friends or family I remember pretty much all the time. But eating alone (which happens often as I am single) not so much. I know I should be thankful for my microwaved panini... but it's easy to forget to pray over it.

10. Favorite saints. First in line is absolutely St. Catherine of Sienna.

I could say it's because she is a Doctor of the Church, or that she was a strong smart woman. Which are very good reasons. But not really my reasons.

The truth of the matter is that she is my favorite because her head is in a glass box - and I think that's cool.

Other favorites - Sts. Benedict and Scholastica, St. Ignatius, St. Maximillian Kolbe.

11. Can you recite the Apostles' Creed by heart? Nope. It becomes the Nicene Creed every time. I know that one by heart because of Mass and just never had any reason to memorize the Apostles Creed.

12. Do you usually say short prayers (aspirations) during the course of the day?Yes. Usually for other people... or for patience at my job that I hate.

13. Bonus Question: When you pass by an automobile accident or other serious mishap, do you say a quick prayer for the folks involved? I do. However it's often also a prayer of thanksgiving that it wasn't me in that accident (I drive very, very fast).

I also say a quick prayer when I pass by the hospital near my house. A nice habit to get into I think.

Good times, good times.

2006-12-25T06:27:00.000-06:00

What a wonderful night.

First was an beautiful / interminable Mass. It was long. Really, really, really long. Carols started at 11 pm and we didn't get out until 2:30 am.

At about 1:30 in the morning I started fantasizing about the emergency granola bars in my car - Mass was that long. At the same time the Mass was absolutely GORGEOUS. Over the top, and completely POD but fantastic all the same.

However, it was testing my limits as a trad Catholic. Nights like tonight I realize maybe I am hopelessly Novus Ordo for a reason.

After Mass a few of us got together at a very nice fellow parishioner's place for some snacks and adult beverages. That's where the fun really began. We all learned what Chartreuse tasted like (now that I know I am unlikely to try it again) and also just how powerful that stuff is.

I had a great time and didn't particularly mid that I didn't get home until 6:20 am. But of course that didn't particularly matter to me... because I have no family Christmas obligations. I didn't have to wake up with two small children in an hour, or need to head out to a family event of some sort. All I have to do is go volunteer at the USO some time in the afternoon.

For all that I am sometimes quite envious of my friends with families... sometimes the unencumbered singleton life has it's advantages.

Time marches on

2006-09-13T18:51:00.000-05:00

My friend Daniel has been writing about the 'Great clocks of Christendom'. Something I haven't thought about in years.

I have always been fairly adventurous, and independent. The best example of that is that as a teenager I backpacked alone through Europe. It was a wonderful experience and I would say that in many ways it defined who I am today.

One of the things it added was a ridiculous amount of experiences of random fun facts or knowledge and experiences about random things. Like the great clocks of Europe.

I can understand how Daniel has become fascinated by them. I have wonderful memories of several famous clocks.

The picture above is from the clock in Prague. I had a couple of lovely times with friends I met along the way eating a great lunch on the square as we watched the clock and enjoyed it's beauty.

In Munich I visited the toy museum in the city center (which I am pretty certain would not interest Daniel) and then stood around in the Marianplatz to watch the famous clock. It was so charming that I stayed to long and missed my train!

I don't know why American cities don't have anything like these clocks. I imagine that it is a result of the fact that our civic buildings tend to be built on a Roman/Greek template. Lots of white marble and pillars... not much room for a tower with a fun clock.

I imagine that if Daniel could design a clock he could convince Mayor Daley to build it... after Millennium Park I am convinced that 'da Mayor' will build anything for the city in the name of civic pride and tourism.

Barring that I think it is up to Daniel to wrote that pretty coffee table book of Clocks of Christendom... first stop - Munich. While there he should keep an eye out for one of my favorite features of the building the clock is in. There is a very cool Dragon climbing up the side.

Thanks for all your prayers... can you spare a few more?

2006-09-07T15:59:00.000-05:00

Great news on the Russian adoption front!

Tonight I head to my sister's house to take care of her son while she and her husband head to Russia to hopefully adopt a beautiful little boy.

There are still potential pitfalls, but so far it looks like everything is finally working out.

I will be taking care of their 5 year old son while they go and in a fit of insanity I am even taking him on my annual beach vacation. I am a bit nervous about flying with him... but I figure it will be an adventure! At least that is what I keep telling myself.

If you have any more prayers to spare I would appreciate them. Both for my sister and her husband, the little boy they are adopting and for me as I wrangle a 5 year old.

I don't know if I will get any blogging done in the next week. I hope so, but I imagine I will be very, very tired.

A Truly Sad Mass

2006-09-03T23:48:00.000-05:00

This morning I went to Mass with a friend. It was a truly bizarre experience (this friend and I tend to always have bizarre experiences).

We had gone to vigil Mass last night to fulfill our Sunday obligation. It was a standard Novus Ordo Mass by a priest I admire a great deal. He is a young priest I have spoken to in the past, and I like him a lot (which considering I am terrified of most priests is a great compliment). He is very reverent at Mass and from conversations I think he is a great orthodox priest.

My friend and I went to vigil Mass because we knew we were planning on heading to the only Tridentine Mass available in this area… at the local SSPX chapel.

I came away from the SSPX Mass with a deep, deep sense of compassion and sorrow and the realization that I am completely spoiled.

I felt compassion - for the people who were meeting for Mass every week in the cement block gym of an old grammar school. I have been to Mass in a variety of places - from Notre Dame to a small church on an island off the coast of Thailand. But the location here was sad -just plain sad. A cement block gym with Stations of the Cross that looked to be framed pictures torn out of a book.

I felt sorrow – for the people who attended the Mass there that they feel compelled to attend Mass there, in formal schism with the Church.

The people we spoke to were all nice, but as we talked to them it became clear that they were not just people who were looking for the traditional Tridentine Mass… because when asked if they would attend an indult Mass in the diocese they all stated that they would not, instead they would stay with the SSPX. This is something more than just liking the traditional Mass. They are fully in schism – conservative Protestants as it were.

We took time to speak to the SSPX priest and he was a kind man who seemed genuinely nice (two priests in two days who didn’t terrify me – a new record!). His homily was quite nice – though I will admit that I almost burst into laughter when he mentioned that it was the feast day of Pius X. Talk about timing!

I also realized that I am completely spoiled – because the Mass was the barest shadow of the Tridentine High Mass as celebrated at St. John Cantius. Something that I attend often, and realize I take for granted. The people in the pews seemed very reverent, and I am sure the priest was doing his best – but it was a pretty sloppy Mass. With alter boys genuflecting only sometimes when they passed the tabernacle, and a general lack of the precision and reverence I am accustomed to at St. John Cantius.

This experience just clarified what I already knew - no matter what I just can’t be a Protestant or cafeteria Catholic… liberal or conservative. If I lived anywhere that didn’t have an indult Mass I might attend SSPX on occasion, however I could never join it and separate myself from the Church.

I have no words

2006-09-01T12:07:00.000-05:00

A very good friend's father died this week. It came from out of nowhere and has thrown me a bit... because it was so unexpected.

My father died a few years ago and it changed who I am more than I would have thought. He was older, and sick and my father's death was not a shock... but still it was.

For my friend the situation is very different. She is just 21, a senior in college and her father was only in his late 50s. Her father's death was sudden and unexpected and I am certain that it is going to tear her apart. She was a daddy's girl and he was a great, great father.

Mr. S. was one of those guys who was a Marine in Vietnam and never lost the military bearing he learned at Paris Island. He seemed invincible (as father's often do) but of course he wasn't (none of us are).

Mr. S seemed a bit intimidating at first (that whole former Marine thing often is) but he was to his core a warm loving man who worked hard and provided his family with all that they could need - and more. He was a great husband, a doting father and a wonderful friend to many. His talents and his kindness meant that he was always the 'go to guy' when somebody in the neighborhood needed a hand.

Mr. S will be deeply missed by his family, his friends and his community.

The Poetry of Prayer

2006-08-26T17:56:00.000-05:00

The other night, I went with a friend to a poetry reading. I was glad to go to support my friend who planned on reading, but honestly, poetry is not my thing.

At one point she turned to me and said “I could do this every single night.” This was roughly the same time that I was considering fashioning earplugs out of the crusts of my sandwich.

I am not the right person to judge the value of a poetry event… seeing as I generally hate poetry. Yes, I know that poetry is beautiful, and art, and I should love it… but I guess I had too much TS Eliot inflicted on me in my school years.

Later as she read some of her poetry to me (and a priest and two brothers – it was a weird night). I was struck immediately by the fact that her poetry was like prayers.

Of course, I generally don’t like prayers either.

Not that I don’t like praying – I just generally don’t like set, scripted prayers. For a long time I honestly thought that I was some sort of a spiritual idiot because I really didn’t connect to prayers. I would read them and be so annoyed by their poetic format that I wouldn’t really get the message.

I wonder if the reason that I don’t like poetry is the same part of me that doesn’t like prayers. There is something to the use of imagery, the uncertain terms, the self consciousness of the writing – I never been able to break through and connect with the meaning or purpose of either poetry or prayers.

However, last night I realized something as I read my friends poem out loud. Knowing her and caring about her made me appreciate her poems that much more. Actually, it made me appreciate her poems more than I ever have any other poetry.

Somehow, while I read my friends poem to her I realized how much I needed to read prayers the same way. As though God loves those prayers and wants to hear them from me as much as my friend loves her poems and wants others to value them.

The Mystery That is Mary

2006-08-24T23:41:00.000-05:00

I am a decade younger than my sister, and sometimes the difference in our religious upbringing makes it seem like it was much more than just 10 years. In the intervening time between our cathechisis the "Spirit 'o Vatican II" seems to have infested our parish.

My sister went to the parish school, and then to an all girls Catholic High School. Both were named for Mary, and as a result she likes to say she was 'Mary dipped'. She knows the devotions, she loves and reveres Mary.

Me? Not so much. I went to public grammar school and CCD, and a High School that had virtually no Marian influences. I never saw a Mary Crowning (evidently they happened, but the CCD kids weren't invited), I was never taught the Hail Mary - let alone the Rosary.

In the last weeks I have been thinking about Mary quite a bit. What with the Assumption, and the feast of the Queenship of Mary - it's hard not to think about her. But still, no matter how much I try to make a connection... It's just not there. I just don't get Mary.

I respond to the Churches teachings on Mary about how I respond to someone explaining a complex mathematical equation that I don't understand even a little bit (I suck at math) - 'Ok, if that's what you say.'

I have great respect for Mary. But none of the abiding love that other people seem to have. Which is a shame really, because I am completely convinced that love of Mary is a wonderful way to find and serve God.

I don't disagree with anything the church says about Mary. I just don't get it and I hate that. I really don't like to not understand something, or somehow not be 'in the loop'. And as far as Mary is concerned... I am way, way out of the loop.

Some people (like my sister) would read the title of this post and think I was talking about the mystery of Mary's wonderfulness or something. You know - a great mystery of our faith, like transubstantiation. I wish I could think about that kind of Mary mystery. For me it's more of a hop into the mystery machine and break out the scooby snacks while we try to answer a simple question... What is the deal with Mary?

That's one reason to convert

2006-08-24T00:00:00.000-05:00

I love to go swing dancing. I try to go at least once or twice a week. There is a great crowd of people in the swing dancing ‘scene’ in my area that are fun to dance with and hang out with.

One of my friends from that world has just moved back to this area from LA. She and I have hit it off and become friends. We are both single and looking and have joked that we will bring each other to our respective churches to see if there are any guys to meet.

She is non-denominational Christian (whatever that means) and was telling me that her church has a great young adult group. I could come along on the canoe trip they are planning. I replied that would be great – she could come along on the pub crawl my church is planning.

She just looked at me in shock. Evidently, pub crawls aren’t so common in her non drinking church.

Once I told her that pretty much every Catholic Church function I have ever attended – up to and including Mass - involves alcohol she said that she might have to consider converting.

I know she was kidding… but I think if I find the right Catholic guy who likes to go swing dancing for her… we could get her to Lindy hop across the Tiber!

Prayers Please

2006-08-22T23:58:00.000-05:00

I don’t ever pray for myself, I never ask for prayers either. I was taught that doing either is bad form… like asking for a gift.

However, this time I am going to ask the five people who might read my blog for prayers. Not for me, but for my sister and her family in their adoption process.

For a couple of years my sister and her husband have been pursuing an adoption from Russia. The process has been fraught with ups and downs. Adoptions from Russia went from being a fairly predictable stable process to a process that is almost completely shut down.

After over two years of lots of paperwork, raised hopes and broken promises it looks (again) like they will soon be traveling to Russia to adopt a little boy.

Right now there is one remaining piece of the puzzle to fit. After having gotten this close a couple of times already it’s hard to hope… and hard not to. But – if everything works out I may soon have a new nephew.

So, I ask for your prayers for my sister, her husband and their potential son Vlad. That the last piece of the puzzle falls into place and they will be a family together soon.

Yes, I am a total slacker blogger

2006-08-21T16:23:00.000-05:00

This is a picture of a detail from the fabulous windows of St. Air Conditioning. I love how the images of the windows are framed in these lovely details. I just adore this photo, and figure a post about nothing deserves a picture of nothing.

For the last few weeks I have had nothing to say. Then, wouldn't you know it, after this weekend I suddenly feel like I have to much to say.

Hopefully I will be able to untangle the mass of thoughts in my head into a few reasonable posts... but the might just as easily be some fairly random unreasonable posts.

But at least they will be posts!

I love lists

2006-08-05T00:49:00.000-05:00

OK- because I too am lazy tonight and need a distraction... I am following the directions set forth by Jane of Art and I have highlighted all of these that I have done with a few descriptions…

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink – in Ireland after the guys successfully broke into our rental car that my friend had locked the keys in.
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain – Mt. Vesuvious. Kind of a small mountain but as big as I am going to climb.
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said 'I love you' and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris - a few times
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise – I am a night owl… it happens more often than it should
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa – Even better, I fell down them. They call me Grace.
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars – Girl Scout camp
20. Changed a baby's diaper – Nannies earn their pay
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse – I actually won a trifecta once.
29. Asked out a stranger – I wish I could. I am far to shy for that.
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster – This afternoon actually!
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas – it is a bad, bad place
86. Recorded music.
87. Eaten shark
88. Had a one-night stand
89. Gone to Thailand – that’s where I ate the shark actually.
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone – I am not sure why going to Yugoslavia in 1994 seemed like a good idea… it wasn’t
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror – I had strange friends in High School
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Created and named your own constellation of stars
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over – Hardly, I live within 2 miles of my birthplace and 1 mile of my childhood home.
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane – not solo, but touch and go
109. Petted a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol – all three actually
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild - Girl Scout Camp
118. Ridden a horse – I competed in dressage as a girl
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours –I could do this all the time
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states - I haven't traveled near enough domestically
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days – Girl Scout Camp
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school – I don’t know that I ever actually stopped
131. Parasailed
132. Petted a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language – traveling alone it happens all the time.
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146: Dyed your hair
147: Been a DJ
148: Shaved your head
149: Caused a car accident
150: Saved someone's life – I donate blood regularly… does that count?

St. Ignatius - pray for us

2006-07-31T12:45:00.000-05:00

Today is the feast day of St. Ignatius of Loyola. He is pretty much the only Saint I feel any connection to - I am an unabashed fan of St. Ignatius.

Love of St. Ignatius is almost genetic. Jesuits have educated pretty much every member of my family since 1900 and St. Ignatius is the only Saint that I was even aware of growing up as my family has an affection for him.

The primary reason is that my cousin had Polio in the 50s, and the doctors didn’t hold out much hope. She was next in line for an iron lung when a Jesuit family friend pinned a St. Ignatius medal on her pillow and spent the evening praying over her with my aunt and uncle.

Miraculously my cousin did not need that iron lung, and she went on to recover completely from polio. The doctors had no explanation they were certain she would die or be disabled for life. My family knew why she recovered – St. Ignatius.

My parents met at a Jesuit college, heck – I was born at a Jesuit hospital! I was partly educated by Jesuits, and had a bit of a mixed bag experience with them. It was the late 80s, early 90s and it became rapidly clear that the Jesuits who were teaching me were very different than those who taught my family in decades past. I had some great ‘old school’ Jesuit teachers and some sort of squishy ones. However, They sure could teach, and I will always be thankful to them for that.

While I have some issues with the modern ‘Arrupe’ Jesuits I continue to pray that the Jesuits will rediscover their history and mission to be faithful to the magisterium of The Church and defend Orthodoxy. However, that doesn’t change my affection for St. Ignatius.

For much of my life I knew only 2 prayers by heart – the ‘Our Father’ and the ‘Prayer of St. Ignatius’. I will say that it is a prayer that I have found works in pretty much any circumstance (it's had to as it was all I had to work with).

Lord, teach me to serve You as You deserve.
To give and not to count the costs,
To fight and not to heed the wounds,
To toil and not to seek for rest,
To labor and not to ask for reward
Save that I am doing your will

St. Ignatius – pray for us

Even though my prayer repertoire has expanded a bit (I know three now) and I have come to realize that formal prayers like this aren’t really my ‘thing’ (I suck at memorizing and repeating set prayers) I still love this particular prayer. It serves as a touchstone of sorts and a reminder of how I should work to live my faith… as St. Ignatius did.

Cardinal George to Undergo Cancer Surgery

2006-07-26T15:03:00.000-05:00

The Chicago Tribune reports

Cardinal Francis George is scheduled to undergo surgery Thursday to treat bladder cancer that was diagnosed in recent weeks, Auxiliary Bishop John R. Manz said today.

George released the following statement this afternoon:

"Tomorrow morning I will undergo surgery at Loyola University Medical Center to remove cancer discovered very recently in my bladder. I am informed that I can expect to make a full recovery from this cancer and the surgery to remove it. I have asked my doctors and archdiocesan officials to fully brief you after the surgery on the specifics of the operation and my recovery."

George also said that Rev. John Canary, the vicar general, would be in charge of "day-to-day governance" of the archdiocese while the cardinal convalesced. The statement said there would be a press conference at 2:30 p.m. Thursday at Loyola hospital.

In addition to asking all Catholics in the archdiocese to pray for him, George also asked "other friends and colleagues to pray for me."

It looks like he is going to recieve treatment at the Cardinal Bernadin cancer center at the Loyola University Medical Center.

I will be adding a few prayers to St. Giles in the coming weeks as he is a patron saint of cancer patients.

Never Doubt St. Anthony

2006-07-23T23:05:00.000-05:00

Last night I posted about my lost prayer journal.

I hadn't prayed to St. Anthony for help in finding it... because my St. Anthony prayer card was lost in my prayer journal.

I had looked everywhere. My car, all over my apartment, at work... everywhere.

After posting last night I decided to finally look up a St. Anthony prayer online and said it. Wouldn't you know it, almost immediately I knew exactly where the prayer journal was, and why it was there.

I suddenly knew that my roommate had moved the journal from the dining room table and it somehow fell behind her scrapbooking supplies... pretty much the only place I hadn't looked (outside of her bedroom).

St. Anthony comes through again.

I've Lost All My Prayers!

2006-07-22T20:57:00.000-05:00

Somewhere in the last week I have misplaced my prayer journal.

I am surprised at how very out of sorts this has made me. It has become an unexpectedly necessary part of my day to read or write in the prayer journal, and I deeply miss it.

I was never very good at prayer until I started my prayer journal. I used to honestly believe that couldn't pray. I have never taken to memorizing or reciting set prayers, I think because I was raised without a tradition of prayers.

There was no prayer in my family that I was aware of, and we only ever were taught one prayer in CCD (the ‘Our Father’ – wouldn’t want to challenge us) and never really encouraged to pray.

I admire people who can say the Rosary every day, or any real prayer actually... but I just can't do it. I have tried - last Lent was the final straw. All 40 days saying the Rosary every evening... it was a forced march which was doomed from the start. Easter Vigil meant two things for me this year. Christ was risen - and I could blessedly stop saying the Rosary.

Eventually, after lots of struggles, I came to realize that I had been praying all along - just in my own way. My constant talking to God, my scribbles that were about my faith, the verbal and written expressions of my love for God, and life and my struggles and victories – that is my prayer.

After I realized that I was very relieved – I am not a pagan after all! Then the next step for me was to try and somehow track or organize my prayer.

Hence, my prayer journal.

It is a collection of writing to God, copies of prayers that I come across and like, quotes and stories that I find to be meaningful, prayer cards and other ephemera. I am a scrapbooker so in many ways it serves more or less a scrapbook of my faith.

Being without the prayer journal is driving me crazy. I think to myself - I need to write that down, or that I want to read a certain prayer… and it’s not there!

Most frustrating is this… my St. Anthony prayer card is in there. It’s bad news when St. Anthony goes missing, because where can you go for help then?

After a week of this I think tomorrow I will have to give in and buy a new journal… but I will still be missing my prayer cards and collected prayers. The positive to buying a new moleskine is this - in my experience the best way to find anything is to purchase a replacement. I hope it works this time!

Don't Mess With the Creed

2006-07-22T00:02:00.000-05:00

Recently during a liturgy and when it came time to recite the creed our group was given a sheet that included three 'Creeds' in a row.

The first was the Nicene Creed. We recite it every week at Mass, and it serves as a synopsis of the beliefs of the church. Bedrock to our faith the Nicene creed is weekly affirmation of why we are there, and what we believe.

Second was the Apostles Creed. As someone who sucks at memorizing prayers I never like the Apostles Creed because halfway through I somehow find myself saying the Nicene Creed by mistake. Still, it’s a perfectly reasonable alternative to the Nicene Creed.

But then the third column was where there was trouble. It was presented to us as an alternative creed that is more ‘modern’ and speaks to who we are as people of faith today.

A Prayer of Belief

We believe that where people are gathered together in love,
God is present and good things happen and life is full.

We believe that we are immersed in mystery
that our lives are more than they seem,
that we belong to each other and
to a universe of great creative energies
whose source and destiny is God.

We believe that God is after us
that he is calling to us
from the depth of human life.

We believe that God has risked himself
and become man in Jesus.
In and with Jesus we believe
that each of us is situated in the love of God;
and the pattern of our life will be the pattern
of Jesus -- through death to resurrection.

We believe that the Spirit of Peace
is present with us, the Church,
as we gather to celebrate our common existence,
the resurrection of Jesus, and the fidelity of God.

And most deeply we believe that
in our struggle to love,
we incarnate God in the World.
And so aware of mystery and wonder,
caught in friendship and laughter,
we become speechless before the joy
in our hearts, and celebrate the sacredness
of life in the Eucharist.

Amen

As I quickly scanned this ‘modern’ creed I am not ashamed to say I felt terror. I was certain that the priest was going to suggest that we recite this thing instead of the Nicene Creed. And I would have no idea how to deal with that. Because honestly, what is the proper response in that situation?

I know I gave the priest a look of stunned terrified shock and then of great relief when he said that we would be saying the Apostles Creed. I never thought I would be so relieved to say the Apostles Creed in my life.

The Fabulous Windows of St. Air Conditioning

2006-07-19T02:31:00.000-05:00

I more or less attend two parishes. At some point I should actually join one of them.

I often go to Mass at the justifiably famous St. John Cantius. Their liturgy is top notch, and I have made some friends there (my roommate calls them my 'Catholic friends') who I don't feel like an idiot talking about religion with. However, it isn't the most welcoming of places and it is fairly far from home.

That is why I also attend the parish that is lovingly referred to by my SJC friends as St. Air Conditioning.

It has a Pastor who I actually like, a great community, a nice young adult community and it is close enough to ride my bike there (a big plus). As an added bonus - it is gorgeous, in my opinion much, much prettier than SJC.

Maybe I am being superficial but after growing up going to Mass in a empty cavern of nothingness a pretty church is important to me.

In particular I adore the Stained glass windows. In fact, my avatar here on blogger is my favorite detail from my favorite window. I make a point to always sit near it, and when the liturgy is not what I would wish (it is a thoroughly novus ordo parish - and SJC has me spoiled) I like to look at that window and think how I need to work on my ability to lay down at the feet of Jesus and leave it up to God.

Since my 'Catholic friends' will ever come visit (nor should they... the very, very novus ordo liturgy would put them over the edge) and they are not convinced that these are the best stained glass windows ever... Every once in a while I will post a couple of pictures to prove that they are awesome. Totally capable of distracting from the Haugen/Haas music.

I snapped these handheld with my digital Canon Rebel... so they are not the best pictures. But the windows are awesome enough that it doesn't matter.

First a larger view of the window I took my avatar from. "And all that were sick, He healed."

And a lovely set of angels along the top of the large window on the south end of the transept. I can't quite figure out what all the angels are holding (but then I haven't looked very hard).

In my opinion they are pretty fantastic... and almost make up for the priest (not the Pastor) who tells us to hold hands during the Our Father.

Almost.

Bells Are(n't) Ringing

2006-07-18T11:51:00.000-05:00

This morning I check my email to find that a friend had forwarded this news story to me. It is like something out of The Onion, but it is unfortunately not satire.

Complaints silence late-night bells after 100 yearsThe bells in the tower of St. John Cantius Church have rung over the Near West Side since they heralded the church's opening on Dec. 11, 1898.

For more than 100 years, the three bells have been serving as a clock for the neighborhood's residents, ringing six times in the morning and marking time on the quarter-hour until 11 every night.

Until now.

***
According to the Rev. Al Tremari, two vociferous residents, who've lived in newly constructed town houses directly across from the church for about a year, recently filed a report with the Illinois Environmental Protection Agency claiming the bells are too loud.

"It's the first time in the history of the church this has ever happened," Tremari said. "No one's ever complained before."

I will never understand why people move to a place and then immediately start complaining. St. John Cantius is a VERY big building. Nobody who lives within the sound of those church bells could plausibly claim that they didn't know there was a church there when they moved in. It's like people who buy a house next to the airport and then complain that the planes are loud.

I am not a parishioner at St. John Cantius (I am not actually a parishioner anywhere) but I attend Mass there often. I love the liturgy and there is a great group of 'Catholic friends' that I have made there. It's really a wonderful place with fabulous liturgy and I love that they are holding the line on orthodox Catholicism.

However, the fact that they rolled so quickly on this issue is a bit disappointing. I imagine that there was good reason, but I would have hoped that the Parish would have fought a bit harder to maintain the right to ring the bells.

There were no bells in the terrible Parish I was raised in (except the bulletin was called ‘The Bell’… some sort of irony I guess). So I am always very happy when I hear them because bells seem special to me, part of the Catholic tradition that was denied me by the ‘Spirit of Vatican II’ crowd.

This year I went to Easter Vigil at ‘St. Air Conditioning’ (the suburban Parish I keep meaning to join) and I remember my happiness at walking out to my car and driving away with the joyous ringing of the bells. Someone commented that the neighbors might be upset and the priest said ‘It’s a happy noise! Who could complain?’

He was right… it is a happy noise and we shouldn’t be made to be made to silence the happy celebration of our faith exemplified by the ringing of bells. I am with Ma Beck when she said that you just can’t trust people who don’t like puppies or church bells. There is something inherently wrong with them, they can’t stand to be exposed to other people’s happiness.

In many ways this seems to me just another sign of the Catholic Church (or Christianity at all) being pushed out of the public square. Sure, it's ok to have a fabulous liturgy *inside* the building... but don't infect the neighborhood with those bells! People might know God is being worshipped - we can't have that.

The photo above is from St. Mary's Cathedral in Luebeck Germany. When the Cathedral was hit in an air raid and burned, the bells fell from the tower and melted to the floor. They remain there as a monument. It took a war to silence those bells, it just took two annoyed yuppies for St. John Cantius to stop ringing their bells after a hour that the yuppies deemed 'too late'.

So be it. I imagine that there weren't bells in the catacombs either.

Dear Catholic Priests,

2006-07-15T02:52:00.000-05:00

Let me start by saying – thank you.

Thank you. For hearing the call to priesthood and then for following through to devote your life to god and the Church.

Really, I know I don’t say this nearly enough – Thank you.

I tend to be a Catholic who never interacts with priests (seriously – never). I never talk to priests outside of a confessional (and rarely there), mostly because I am scared of you and unlike some people I know I am not adept at making friends with priests through baked goods. But even so, I really do appreciate all that you do.

However, I do have a request. Can you please, please, please wear clerical clothing?

And no, a golf shirt with the name of your order embroidered on it does not count.

I won’t be greedy and ask for cassocks (though that is what all the cool priests are wearing). Just a Roman Collar would be good.

Now, I understand that everyone needs some time ‘out of uniform’ as it were. Running errands, family social events, and casual time off – perfectly reasonable to not be wearing a collar.

However, is it too much to ask that at Church functions you wear a collar and clearly identify yourself as a priest?

There are certainly benefits to wearing a clerical collar. I know that I am naturally nicer and more automatically respectful to priests. For example, one day at work I saw a slightly bewildered looking priest who was clearly lost in the maze that is O’Hare. I walk past many lost and confused people at O’Hare all the time but that collar ensured that I stopped and helped him to his gate.

Also, if there is an emergency, it would be nice to know if there is a priest around. That Roman Collar is a clear sign to those all around that God is present in his servant the priest. That can be incredibly comforting, even when you as a priest don’t even realize that people around you are taking comfort in that fact.

Priests in clerical garb are also excellent for recruitment - both to the Church and to the priesthood. I mean, if young boys and men never see a priest except at the front of the church then how can they envision living life as a priest. We as lay people need to see and know that there are priests out in society, living with us wherever we are. So often we live in a society that denies the importance of religion and faith. A priest dressed in clerical garb is a bold statement to the world that Yes – the Catholic Church is still here, vibrant and contributing to our society. I really think that is an important statement for a priest to make, and clerical clothing makes it without saying a word.

I can’t quite figure out why priests wouldn’t wear a collar. Are you ashamed of being a priest? Do you want to ‘blend in’ with the group? Or, as my sister in law theorizes, is it to be deceitful and try to trip us up by masquerading as lay people (I don’t think that is the case, but she is adamant).

Clearly I am not the only person that wishes priests would wear clerical clothing more often. The USCCB has dealt with it as well.

On November 18, 1998, the Latin Rite de iure members of the National Conference of Catholic Bishops approved complementary legislation for canon 284 of the Code of Canon Law for the Latin Rite dioceses of the United States.

The action was granted recognitio by the Congregation for Bishops in accord with article 82 of the Apostolic Constitution Pastor Bonus and issued by Decree of the Congregation for Bishops signed by His Eminence Lucas Cardinal Moreira Neves, Prefect, and His Excellency Most Reverend Franciscus Monterisi, Secretary, and dated September 29, 1999.

The National Conference of Catholic Bishops, in accord with the prescriptions of canon 284, hereby decrees that without prejudice to the provisions of canon 288, clerics are to dress in conformity with their sacred calling.

In liturgical rites, clerics shall wear the vesture prescribed in the proper liturgicad books. Outside liturgical functions, a black suit and Roman collar are the usual attire for priests. The use of the cassock is at the discretion of the cleric.

In the case of religious clerics, the determinations of their proper institutes or societies are to be observed with regard to wearing the religious habit.

As President of the National Conference of Catholic Bishops, I hereby decree that the effective date of this decree for all the Latin Rite dioceses in the United States will be December 1, 1999.

I will say this to all the priests out there. When I see you in clerical clothing it personally makes me happy. I just feel comforted by the very fact that you are there, in the world. So please, please, please do wear clerical clothing. It really is a good thing.

Regards,
Mary Martha

marketing Catholicism

2006-07-13T13:42:00.000-05:00

Jonah Goldberg at The Corner posted a fun link.

It is an ad slogan generator.

I have been playing with it and here are a few of my favorites.

It's Not TV. It's Tridentine Mass.

I'd Walk a Mile for a Tridentine Mass.

You've Always Got Time For Tridentine Mass.

Better Living Through Orthodox Catholicism.

We're Serious About Orthodox Catholicism.

The Curiously Strong Orthodox Catholicism.

Whatever You're Into, Get Orthodox Catholicism.

Promise Her Anything, But Give Her Orthodox Catholicism.

Yes, she really is a Nun

2006-07-12T15:29:00.000-05:00

Over at The Cafeteria is Closed Gerald posted this horrifying picture.

Yes, that is a Nun. I have met her. She really is a Nun. It is horribly, horribly true.

Here’s the personally horrifying part – she is a Sinsinawa Dominican. That means that she is from the same order that supervised a huge portion of my education.

At least it’s not as bad as it is for my friend. I only had 6 years in a Sinsinawa Dominican school, my friend’s entire education (k-grad school) was under their control. Not surprisingly that friend has turned out as an avowed atheist radical feminist. Looking at that picture and what it says about the Sinsinawa Dominicans it’s no wonder.

I have many fond college memories. But very few of them involve the Sinsinawa Dominican Sisters.

There was the time the Nun screamed at me that she should be a priest and then kicked me out of the classroom. Or the time the diocese had to intervene for pro-life materials to be distributed at a Catholic school.

Personally the most annoying was the Italian Renaissance Art professor who somehow made the course into the evils of the church it’s oppression of women. Unsurprisingly I disagreed with pretty much everything she said.

I wrote my final paper on the important lessons we can learn from Renaissance depictions of Mary - how empowering they are to women, and how they show how highly valued women are by the Church.

No surprise that I got the worst grade of my educational career in that class (I am still a bit bitter about the GPA ding, but it was worth it).

Good times, good times.

I am posting this picture as proof. When I say that I was very poorly taught theology I am not kidding.

I am trying to learn how to be a faithful observant Catholic. But I am not trying to reach that point from a blank slate… first I have to climb out of the hole of the teachings of the Sinsinawa Dominicans.

There are a few lovely Sinsinawa Sominican Sisters. But honestly, they are way, way, way outnumbered by the crackpots.

One would think that the 'good' sisters would do what they could to get this woman expelled from the order. But that has not happened. Sr. Quinn is still free to run around in a heretical sweatshirt without a peep. Venerable Fr. Mazzuchelli must be spinning over what has happened to the order he founded.

****Whoah! Thanks for the link Gerald, now I feel like I have hit the big time. Welcome everyone to my sleepy little blog. Feel free to wander through my archives and don't forget to bookmark me!****

Puzzle me this if you will

2006-07-11T23:43:00.000-05:00

I have a stupid question. I am sure I should know the answer to this, and likely I could find the answer if I tried harder. But I am the worst Catholic ever - so I am counting on someone to comment with the answer.

So you can only get Communion once a day. Right?

Ok, then what if you attend an evening Mass and then a morning Mass?

I mean, they are different days... but the evening Mass is a vigil Mass so it would count as the next day.

So... can you take communion at a vigil Mass and then at the morning Mass or no? I have always kind of assumed no... but I was wondering what the 'real' answer is.

Yes, I am strange that this is the kind of question that I find myself wondering.

I am the worst Catholic ever and this should have been covered in my 1st Communion class. Let's review - I had the worst Catechisis ever. I am trying to make up for that now.

Whose show is it?

2006-07-10T12:49:00.000-05:00

I grew up in a fairly miserable Parish. We had a terrible pastor who had one singular success – he ensured that an entire generation of children from my town would leave the church. I am quite literally the only one of my childhood friends who is a practicing Catholic.

As a devoted follower of the ‘spirit of Vatican II’ instead of the Holy Spirit our pastor stripped our parish bare of any reverence, solid catechisis, or focus on God.

Every week we would go watch what I like to call ‘The priest show’. My childhood pastor thought we were all there to watch him, and in order to ensure we were not distracted his first actions in the church were to strip it bare.

He ripped out the high altar, took down the carved corpus on the cross, and threw away the carved lectern. This was replaced with a wood grain laminate ‘alter’ (I honestly think he got it at an office supply store, it sure looked like a conference table), a bare cross for the procession, and a bare microphone stand. The tabernacle was brought down and to the side… we wouldn’t want Jesus distracting from the ‘priest show’.

In many ways our Catholic Church looked less ‘Catholic’ than the Methodists or Presbyterians in town and absolutely less than the Lutherans and Anglicans. It was horrible. In fact, the only redeeming feature of the entire church was the windows. Which I am sure is why I adore stained glass windows to this day, because growing up they were literally the only things in the church with any reverence and beauty.

As I grew up and went to Mass in other parishes I learned that the ‘priest show’ is not the norm (happily) and that it is possible to have a reverent Mass in a stripped bare ‘spirit of Vatican II space’. However, I have found that my formative years have left a very bad taste in my mouth. I crave beautiful churches, and I really love Mass performed ad orientem – which ensures no ‘priest show’. I would rather see the ‘God Show’ because I am there to Worship God, not the priest (no matter what that priest may think).

I definately have something to confess now.

2006-07-09T16:58:00.000-05:00

I am blaming Ma Beck for this one.

Could not have happened to a nicer guy

2006-07-07T18:07:00.000-05:00

A friend from the USO receeved an award from the President last night. Rarely have I known anyone in my life who deserves special praise and awards as much as Dave Kruger.

USO volunteer gets salute from commander in chief

Dave Kruger is used to welcoming raw military recruits and career soldiers at the United Service Organizations center at O'Hare International Airport.

On Thursday evening, he was there to greet someone slightly higher up the ladder: the commander in chief of the United States, President Bush, who presented Kruger with the President's Volunteer Service Award.

When he heard earlier this week that he would meet Bush as the president arrived for a two-day visit to Chicago, "[I] choked up. My eyes started watering," Kruger said. "I just thought being put in for [the award] was an honor."

At their brief meeting, Kruger wished the president, who turned 60 on Thursday, a happy birthday and asked after his father. Bush thanked him for his service, Kruger said.

Kruger, of north suburban Lindenhurst, first volunteered about two years ago. A veteran who saw Bob Hope perform on a 1966 tour in Vietnam, he knew the effect the USO could have on military morale.

And though he was a longtime donor to the group, he wanted to do more. Not sure how he could help, he called the USO center at O'Hare. "I told the manager the only thing is, I can't sing or dance," he said, chuckling. "That's what I thought they were looking for in volunteers."

He was assured that the responsibilities entailed serving food and drinks at the center and guiding military personnel around O'Hare's labyrinthine terminals.

Kruger volunteers about 27 hours a week, Friday through Sunday, and sometimes stops by to help after he gets off work as a shipping scheduler at a Wheeling manufacturing plant.

He delivers food from the grocery, does odd jobs around the office for Piccolo and serves food when naval recruits at the base come in. In two years Kruger has volunteered more than 1,300 hours

Dave is a great guys who completely 'gets' the mission of the USO - to be there for the men and women of the armed forces and render whatever assistance we can. Dave regularly goes above and beyond and always with a smile. He is an inspiration to me and I am very happy he is getting the recognition he richly deserves. three cheers for Dave!

10 second rule

2006-07-06T23:18:00.000-05:00

Last night a friend and I were discussing communion - yeah, we are total Catholic dorks.

I said that I really liked kneeling for communion and now only take communion on the tongue even at Novus Ordo Mass - but I would feel better if there was paten. My friend said she was scared that something would go wrong and she would mess up somehow.

I assured her that nothing would ever happen - unless you are someone like my friend Ma Beck who learned the value of the paten firsthand. My friend laughed at that story... but could actually top it.

Evidently, years ago she actually dropped the Eucharist to the ground.

She had taken it in hand, and when she picked it up to plce it in her mouth it slipped and fell to the floor.

According to my friend she froze for a moment and then leaned down, picked it up and ate it. Basically a 10 second rule for the body of Christ.

So here's the question - what should she have done?

Best. Fourth. Of. July. EVER!!!

2006-07-04T23:27:00.000-05:00

I adore the Fourth of July. It is my favorite holiday and quite possibly my favorite day of the year.

This year I did my traditional... I watched my small town parade, hung out at the town park where there was food and games for the kids while taking lots of pictures at the car show (mostly MGs, Corvettes, and Motel T's - those are the local car clubs that participate).

Then I headed off for the annual picnic (mmm fourth of July meat) and volleyball game at my best friend since high school's families place. I might as well be a member of the family for the 4th, because I have been there every year for the last 17 years.

Added bonus this year - I drove into the city and hung out with Ma Beck and Pa Beck, and Jane of Art and her family. It was lovely and I got a ton of pictures of Jane of Art's beautiful kids whoe are just a joy to photograph because they are just that darn cute (even covered with chocolate and dirt).

Of course being 'church friends' we bizarrely ended up in the church across the road during adoration. 'Cause nothing says Happy Independence Day like the body of Christ.

However, you have to admit the church we went to was pretty phenominal... here are a few pictures of St. Stanislaus Kostka that took this afternoon.

Happy Independence Day!

2006-07-04T09:20:00.000-05:00

It is my very, very favorite day of the year - Independence Day!

When you go out and enjoy the day, please take a moment to thank a veteran, and remember those who paid the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom.

And try not to blow up your hand with firecrackers... that would make it hard to comment on my blog!

What does that mean?

2006-07-03T22:05:00.000-05:00

So… after all the worrying I went to confession. The priest was very nice, but I was still completely freaked out. And of course was left confused and with questions.

I got a quality dose of classic Catholic guilt™ that once a month confession is not enough… one should go weekly. I actually laughed at that, I would be a total wreck if I went weekly.

I pointed out that monthly is a huge step up from my previous annual (or less) confession schedule. He wasn’t buying that idea – it was an improvement, but weekly is better. I guess when you go to the old school church for confession you get an old school confessor – which I like, but then again, I am fairly impervious to guilt.

The priest did have one good point; if I went more often it would likely stop being such a big deal… it would become more commonplace. I’ll see how I feel next week.

Another piece of advice he gave me… to have a devotion to Padre Pio. Leaving me with the question - what does that mean?

I never got the memo on how to do Catholic things like having a devotion to a particular saint. I honestly have no idea what the priest meant. Which would be par for the course - it wouldn’t be a Mary Martha confession if I didn’t feel totally clueless at some point.

I am sure the priest could tell I had no idea what he meant. He asked if I knew who Padre Pio is. Of course I said yes, but I didn’t quite feel like saying ‘what the heck do you mean by have a devotion to him?’. Because there was a long line for the confessional, and I was already taking to much time.

Also, it was about 100 degrees in the confessional pretty much convincing me that I was going pass out at any moment. I wanted out of there… I have a great deal of respect for the priest in a cassock in there. In the end I didn’t pass out – which I would consider proof of God’s grace. Though I did go out to sit on the steps of the church (in the 88 degree weather) to ‘cool off’ before Mass.

So now I am off to read about Padre Pio. I’ll do that because excel at research – but devotion?

Holy Smoke

2006-07-03T12:24:00.000-05:00

I was born years after Vatican II and I had a thoroughly Novus Ordo Catholic girlhood (bad catechesis and all). Now I have found in my adulthood that I truly love all the ‘smells and bells’ of the Tridentine Latin Mass.

While the pastor of the church I grew up in stripped the church of pretty much everything beautiful and Catholic (in a burst of ‘spirit of Vatican II’) at least we had bells during the consecration… more of a vestigial remnant of the old ‘smells and bells’ Church than anything else.

The bells were taken away in our parish when I was a teen. I missed them - but would still hear them in my head all the same. Incense was reserved for special events and was used sparingly, I think only for Christmas and Easter. I loved incense when it was used, but never thought much about it either way. However, now I love it and miss it when it isn’t used.

Incense provides a clear signal when you walk in the church and smell it that this is someplace different – set apart – it even smells different. And as a hobby photographer I am always looking at light – and I love how the incense changes the quality of the light throughout the whole church.

That was the very first thing that hit me when I went to St. John Cantius – this church isn’t just a meeting hall… it is someplace more, different and special. It smells different, the light is diffent… heck, everything is different – and I love that!

However, after the last two weeks at TLM there has been no incense. I am wondering… what happened to it? Are they figuring that it is plenty hot enough in the church and there is no reason to add more burning things to the room? Ok, so it isn’t that big of a deal… I lived my life without incense, but I find that now I really miss it.

I confess that I am very, very, very bad at confession.

2006-07-02T04:53:00.000-05:00

I have a bit of a conundrum regarding confession. I hate confession. I am fairly certain that hating a sacrament is a sin. I should confess that. But I hate confession.

It isn’t the examination of conscience that bothers me. I have that down, and really find it to be a positive habit that I do a brief examination of conscience every evening. It keeps me honest to look over my actions in the day and see where I stumbled, and where I could have done better.

For me it is the actual act of confession that drives me crazy - there are a couple of reasons.

First, I went to perhaps the worst CCD program in the history of the Catholic Church. I honestly don’t remember being taught how to confess or what to confess, they gave us cards to read the act of contrition from, and I would swear that they told us after our first confession that we don’t have to go to confession again (I recently found my niece who made her 1st Communion this year in the same parish was told the same thing).

Suffice it to say, I never really got a handle on the mechanics of confession. Now I totally understand the theology of confession and understand its importance – but I feel like an idiot because I honestly don’t have a clue as to how to confess properly and am always sure I am doing something wrong. I know I am messing up - once actually had a priest ask me in confession if I am Catholic (yes, since about a month after birth). Nothing makes me dislike something faster than feeling like a clueless idiot.

Then, in my teen years I had a very, very bad confession experience. Pretty much right there in the top three of potential bad confession experiences. It was the confession nightmare scenario come true. That experience has left me with some serious trust issues regarding confession.

Because of those trust issues, I prefer face to face confession. I am so much better when I can see the eyes of the priest; the whole confessional with the screen… freaks. me. out. Therein lays my dilemma.

One parish I attend offers face to face confession… but opportunity for confession is very limited, and there is only a 30% chance that the priest who I would be willing to confess to will be there (and this week he wasn’t).

The other Parish – has plentiful confession offered (very plentiful). However, only with confessionals… no face to face is available (and I doubt the priests would be hip to that idea). I have gone there once, and true proof of God’s grace is the fact that I didn’t hyperventilate and pass out during confession… I sure felt like I was going to.

So, here I am awake at 4:30 am stupidly freaking out about confession. I know intellectually that confession shouldn’t be this big of a deal. I know that. Good luck convincing my heart of that fact.

I keep praying for a breakthrough on this. People write about how the love confession and find it to be a very positive experience. I have never, ever once in my adult life felt anything but terror about going to confession and numb afterwards. I have come to the conclusion that either everyone is lying about their positive confession experiences, or I am some sort of a Catholic reject who is incapable of ‘getting it’.

This morning before Mass I will screw up my courage and get in line for confession. Where I am fairly certain I will amuse/annoy the priest with my idiocy, and I will walk away from the confessional feeling like once again I am just not getting it.

Here is the thing… I do ‘get’ communion. I love it. If the price for receiving communion is going to confession – then I will line up for that confessional and muddle through somehow.

Flirting with the devout

2006-06-30T10:24:00.000-05:00

Last night I was enjoying a bit of harmless flirtation. A cute guy in a uniform is as good an opportunity as ever to practice flirting, and as a single gal who is looking I need to keep my skills sharp.

So we teased back and forth in that fun flirty way when he started listing what he figured I was looking for in a man. He was pretty spot on actually (am I that easy to read?). Then asked if he had everything so I threw in ‘Catholic, I would like to meet a nice Catholic guy’.

This guy perked up, did the sign of the cross and said, “I am a very devout Catholic” (hmm, this could be going somewhere I thought). So I asked what he meant by ‘devout’ and he replied “I pray every day and go to midnight Mass every year.”

That’s it. That was his definition of devout.

It threw me that the Catholic Church has gotten to the point where someone who goes to Mass once a year can honestly consider himself ‘devout’. Talk about bad catechisis, at least when I was not attending Mass, or going to confession I knew I wasn’t doing what I should.

Now I understand that everyone defines things differently. I would never call myself devout - at this point I am just shooting for faithful and observant… devout is a long way off. However, in comparison to this guy I am some sort of religious freak.

Religion and Spirituality

2006-06-29T09:11:00.000-05:00

I have had one to many conversations with people who have claimed to be ‘spiritual, not religious’. What the heck is that supposed to mean?

I will admit that finally out of pure cussedness I started to describe myself as ‘religious, not spiritual’. Of course that makes no sense, but how much sense does the opposite make?

Perhaps because of all the new age ‘spiritual’ mumbo jumbo I have often been quite wary of building my spirituality. While my understanding and practice of my faith have improved in the last years I still haven’t consciously worked on spirituality.

Just as I was thinking that was something I should address I read this excellent post on Dappled Things. Fr. Jim Tucker writes about the importance of building a life that includes regular prayer, Mass and devotions in order to increase spirituality. And here is the key – he gives nice easy to follow concrete steps to take.

I love that. I do well with directions that can be followed rather than fuzzy open ended suggestions to ‘pray more’. Honestly, if I knew how to effectively ‘pray more’ wouldn’t I already be doing that?

Some days when I read posts like Fr. Tucker’s I think there should be RCIA for reverts. A sort of remedial CCD to make up for all the things we weren’t taught the first time around. Considering the fact that I was raised in the wreckage of the ‘spirit of Vatican II’ there is a lot of catching up I need to do.

Slow but sure I am learning things and filling in the gaps in my practice of Catholicism, becoming both more religious and more spiritual because clearly - they are two sides of the same coin.

Dodged that bullet

2006-06-28T21:15:00.000-05:00

There was a time when I flirted with the idea of converting to the Episcopal Church. Looking at the wackiness of Episcopalism in the news this last week I have realized just how lucky I was to have dodged that bullet.

I considered converting for a few reasons. I had become very disenchanted with the ‘spirit of Vatican II’ Catholic Church that was all I knew. A friend invited me to her church and I loved the Anglican liturgy. There was a very nice parish I attended and I was talking to a lovely priest about possibly ‘swimming the Thames’.

However, it was in those talks that I realized that going to the Episcopal Church would in many ways be jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. While the priest I was talking to and the parish I attended were quite conservative he made it very clear to me that it was not the case through the rest of the country.

As I read more of the history and theology of the Anglican/Episcopal church I realized that what I loved about it was really what it still had in common with the Catholic Church. Well, that and the fact that if I ‘took the soup’ it would have given my very Irish Catholic father a heart attack. So I decided to stick it out with the Catholic Church… guitar masses and all.

In many ways though that flirtation with the Anglicans was part of what made me so much more of an observant orthodox Catholic. In that respect I owe the Episcopalian Church a great deal. I almost feel I should bake some cookies for that Episcopal priest and invite him to swing the Tiber.

Where do the Bunnies come from?

2006-06-27T15:12:00.000-05:00

On my way to work at the airport I walk through a lawn in front of the airport Hilton.

This hotel is surrounded by literally miles of concrete. From the expressways into the airport to the runways and tarmac... this lawn is the only 'natural' thing going for miles.

And yet - it is positively filled with bunnies. Evidently the Hilton is a modern day Watership Down, some sort of Bunny haven. It makes sense - no predators, endless food... obviously there would be lots of bunnies there.

Except of course for the fact that they are miles away from any other bunnies, and they have somehow found the only bunny friendly space around. So that begs the question - where did these bunnies come from?

While I know where the baby bunnies come from (and there are many cute baby bunnies) Every time I walk through the lawn and watch the cute bunnies I wonder... how did they get here? Did the bunnies hop in on the Kennedy? Or did they hitch a ride on an airport hotel shuttle? Tunnel under the runways?

Just another one of those minor mysteries in life.

I know the feeling

2006-06-27T09:48:00.000-05:00

Mark Shea writes "There are days I have a hard time governing my contempt for Roger Cardinal Mahony".

You are not alone Mark. I think we've all had days... weeks... months... years like that.

Particularly when viewing his 'contribution' to our Churches rich history of art and architecture. I bet he would think the Zombie Mary is just perfect. Blech.

Then you read things like this and you realize his corrosive influence on the Chruch and the souls of Catholics under his care is a much, much bigger problem than just bad achitecture.

It doesn't matter what the Beatles say - I actually DON’T "wanna hold your hand"

2006-06-26T14:11:00.000-05:00

At this point I am regularly attending Mass at two great parishes.

One is famously orthodox, has phenomenal liturgy, wonderful priests and I really love the reverence displayed there. Added bonus – I now have some friends there who help it not seems quite so ‘cold’.

The second parish is much closer to my home, in a gorgeous church, has a great young pastor who I would call on the conservative side of the middle of the road. I personally also love the efforts being made there to build a young adult community. This parish is in a fairly liberal town but I have found that with a finely tuned sense of denial (what EMEs?) that Mass can be quite lovely.

I get something different from each place, so I often attend Mass at both churches if possible. Saturday evening in the burbs and then Sunday morning in Latin in the city.

However, this week I think I might have insulted someone during Mass on Saturday. During the Lord’s Prayer I clasped my hands as I always do when it happened… The lady next to me reached over for my hand. I ignored it, hoping she would get the ‘I don’t hold hands’ message. No luck. She went to grab my hand and I had to turn, look at her an say ‘I don’t hold hands.’.

I hate that. I hate the peer pressure to hold hands, I hate being forced to choose - during Mass – if I am going to do something that makes me feel profoundly uncomfortable while praying, or if I am going to potentially insult a stranger.

So – this lady was clearly put out by my refusal to hold hands. She actually huffed and then stood with her hands on the pew in front of her with some clearly upset body language. I felt a bit bad about it until...

Then during the ‘sign of peace’ she made a point to not shake my hand… no skin off my nose lady, I don’t like to do that either!

Moments like that make me happy to go to the big anonymous conservative church. It makes me happy that I am not going to have to balance my desire to worship God with my being forced by peer pressure to participate in icky hand holding.

I am putting out a general plea here - if the person next to you doesn’t put their hand out for the Father and you are a Beatles fan, take a different tack... “Let it be”!

Zombie Mary

2006-06-26T02:39:00.000-05:00

I spent much of the last six months shopping for a Parish. While I know that you aren't 'supposed to' parish shop... I just could not stand to attend my local Parish.

I had spent years avoiding the Parish by attending Mass haphazardly at different churches or chapels. I was like a ghost... I would come in for Mass and then fade away. Never contributing to the community and never really getting anything from the larger Catholic community. Finally I realized that I need more than just attendance at random Masses - I should have a Parish where I am a part of the larger community.

However, there is no way I could be a member of my geographic parish. For one thing - much of my family goes there and I am pretty sick of being someones daughter, sister or aunt all the time. Also, this is the parish where I was pretty much not taught anything about the history, tradition or practices of Catholicism... I will admit it - I am still bitter.

But the real reason I can't stand the place... The worlds creepiest statue of Mary that is in the church. Ladies and gentlemen I give you - Zombie Mary

To fully understand the creepiness you have to know that the parish spent a great deal of money on this thing. So much that they can't even use it for May crowning for fear that it might be damaged.

It is supposed to be Mary at like 13 years old open to God's call. Whatever.

To me it looks like it is about to walk off the plinth like a zombie and eat the parishioners brains. This statue so distracted me during my father's funeral Mass that I realized that I just can't go to Mass in the same building as it.

It is so bad that it actually makes me nostalgic for the mid-sixties statue that used to be there. There were relatively nice statues of Mary and Joseph that were disappeared when this monstrosity came in a couple of years ago. I wonder whatever happened to them?

But the good news is this... Zombie Mary drove me out of my geographic Parish and into an odyssey of Parish shopping that has resulted in my finding two parishes that I now consider 'home'. And not a zombie statue to be found in either one!

Here goes nothing

2006-06-26T02:17:00.000-05:00

I have finally posted enough comments on enough Catholic blogs to decide it is time to start my own.

Now, I have had a few blogs in the past. Personal, political and general interest blogs. Each served it's purpose for a time and then my life kind of got in the way and that was the end of a blog. It should be fun to see how long this blog lasts!