I've Lost All My Prayers!Somewhere in the last week I have misplaced my prayer journal.
I am surprised at how very out of sorts this has made me. It has become an unexpectedly necessary part of my day to read or write in the prayer journal, and I deeply miss it.
I was never very good at prayer until I started my prayer journal. I used to honestly believe that couldn't pray. I have never taken to memorizing or reciting set prayers, I think because I was raised without a tradition of prayers.
There was no prayer in my family that I was aware of, and we only ever were taught one prayer in CCD (the ‘Our Father’ – wouldn’t want to challenge us) and never really encouraged to pray.
I admire people who can say the Rosary every day, or any real prayer actually... but I just can't do it. I have tried - last Lent was the final straw. All 40 days saying the Rosary every evening... it was a forced march which was doomed from the start. Easter Vigil meant two things for me this year. Christ was risen - and I could blessedly stop saying the Rosary.
Eventually, after lots of struggles, I came to realize that I had been praying all along - just in my own way. My constant talking to God, my scribbles that were about my faith, the verbal and written expressions of my love for God, and life and my struggles and victories – that is my prayer.
After I realized that I was very relieved – I am not a pagan after all! Then the next step for me was to try and somehow track or organize my prayer.
Hence, my prayer journal.
It is a collection of writing to God, copies of prayers that I come across and like, quotes and stories that I find to be meaningful, prayer cards and other ephemera. I am a scrapbooker so in many ways it serves more or less a scrapbook of my faith.
Being without the prayer journal is driving me crazy. I think to myself - I need to write that down, or that I want to read a certain prayer… and it’s not there!
Most frustrating is this… my St. Anthony prayer card is in there. It’s bad news when St. Anthony goes missing, because where can you go for help then?
After a week of this I think tomorrow I will have to give in and buy a new journal… but I will still be missing my prayer cards and collected prayers. The positive to buying a new moleskine is this - in my experience the best way to find anything is to purchase a replacement. I hope it works this time!